


The Night's Hard To Get Through

by Nevergonbepresidentnow



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex can't sleep alone, Alex is kind of a dick, Apologies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, I suck at tags, M/M, Makeup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 02:05:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11049027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevergonbepresidentnow/pseuds/Nevergonbepresidentnow
Summary: Alexander forgot how to sleep by himself.





	The Night's Hard To Get Through

Alexander tossed and turned on the uncomfortable pull-out bed in his office. The tiny, pathetic excuse of a  bed felt huge without John at his side. Alex hugged his pillow to him, wishing John was there to hold him. 

 

John. Alex missed John, even though he was only upstairs. It wasn't the same. Alexander pictured him now. Curled under a pile of blankets, his curly hair in a tangle on the pillows, long limbs wrapped around himself. 

 

A voice in his head echoed what he was thinking, _'he could have been wrapped around you. You screwed that up.'_

 

Alex cringed to himself, remembering the fight that landed him here in his office. Cold, alone, and exhausted. 

 

_Alex stalked into the kitchen, throwing his briefcase near the counter. His day sucked and he was anxious to bitch to John all about it. He moved over to the fridge and pulled out some leftover lasagna. It was late and he knew John ate hours ago.  John sat at the table, emotionless and staring coldly ahead of him. Hamilton didn't take note of this and began rambling on about his co-workers._

 

_"Jesus fucking christ, Jefferson is such an asshole. The fact he believes Levi Weeks is even a smidge innocent is mind blowing. His idiocy is going to ruin the firm's reputation."_

 

_John remained motionless and silent at the table. Alexander noticed his boyfriend's catonic state for the first time._

 

_"You okay John? What's up?"_

 

_"It's 10:30 in the night."_

 

_"Um, yeah," Alex replied, moving carefully towards John. "I'm sorry I got held up at the office. I'm working on a rebuttal. It's still not finished. Washington forced me to go home."_

 

_John laughed, it was strained. "You actually can't remember."_

 

_Hamilton racked his brain, scrambling to remember what his boyfriend was talking about. Did he forget John's brithday? Their anniversary?_

 

_"We were supposed to have dinner with Martha and David tonight." John got up from his chair at the dining table. "They're leaving for Paris in the morning and it's the last time I'll see them for a year."_

 

_Alex felt his heart leap to his throat. John planned this dinner with his sister and her fiancee weeks ago. Martha was starting a job in Paris next week  for a year. They had planned their flights around this dinner, wanting to see Alex and John one last time before they jetted across the Atlantic. David and Martha decided to book a plane that had a twelve hour stop-over in New York. The lump in Alex's throat grew as he looked at John's expression. Anger mixed with hurt._

 

_"John, I'm so sorry. I forgot, I've been so busy and it slipped my mind."_

 

_His boyfriend slammed his hand on the table angrily. "God, Alexander. You always do this. You forget about shit like this all the time. It's like this realtionship doesn't even matter to you. I feel like I don't matter to you. Your work always comes before me and everything else."_

 

_Jumping at the noise John made, anger rose in Alex. How dare John imply he didn't care about him? About their relationship? Before Alex could stop himself, he was spouting off at the mouth. His terrible temper getting the best of him._

 

_"I'm sorry John that I care about my work. My job, that pays the rent and puts food on the table. How dare you say I don't care about us? What about you? You can't even tell your dad we're in a relationship, he thinks I'm your roommate."_

 

_"Alexander," John warned, his voice dangerously low._

 

_Alex ignored him. Damn him and his inflated sense of pride, the need to defend himself._

 

_"Are you ashamed of me? Is that why you won't tell him? Or are you just a coward, too scared of what dear old daddy will do to you. You're worried he'll cut off your trust fund and you'll actually have to work for something in your life."_

 

_John let out a noise of surprise and a look of hurt flashed across his face. He seemed to shrink and retreat into himself as he looked at his angry boyfriend. Alex immediately regretted everything he said and reached out to touch John's arm. John pulled away._

 

_Alex's heart broke._

 

_"John, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"_

 

_"Go away Alex," John stated coldly, composing himself and standing up straight. "I need some time alone. Leave me alone."_

 

_"John, c'mon. I shouldn't have said-"_

 

_"You can sleep in your office tonight," John cut him off again. "I'm exhausted, I don't want to talk about it anymore."_

 

 

Alex's stubborness got the best of him. Ignoring John and refusing to apologize seemed like a good idea until now. When it was past four in the morning and Alex hadn't slept in three days. One year since he slept alone and somewhere along the way he forgot how. 

 

He forgot what it felt like without John's strong arms wrapped around him, warm and comforting. He forgot what it was like to wake up and not see John smiling down at him, whispering 'good morning handsome' in his ear. The feeling of John pulling him closer and kissing him all over his face etched itsself into his brain and Alex never wanted it to leave. 

 

Was the pull out coach in his office always this lumpy? 

 

Throwing the duvet off and opening the office door, Hamilton padded upstairs. Quietly, so he wouldn't wake John. As he started the coffee machine he realized John may never kiss him again. Alex scrambled to remember the last time they kissed. Tears pricked his eyes as be came aware of the fact he couldn't remember it. The last time John would ever kiss him with those precious lips and Alex couldn't even remember it. 

 

Surely, John was going to break up with him. All those terrible things Alex said out of anger. Those things he didn't mean. Tears flowed freely now as Hamilton remebered the hurt look on John's face. The way he pulled back and seemed to retreat into himself. The voice in his head returned. 

 

_"you made John cry, you hurt him, you messed up, you're so stupid. He's going to leave you, leave you, leave you like everybody else. Everybody else leaves because you don't deserve anybody. You deserve to be alone."_

 

The tears were like floods now. Streaming down his face and Alex let out a choked cry. What would happen to their apartment if they broke up? Who would leave? 

 

_"you'll leave. Jonh can have the apartment and everything in it. You know you'd give him anything he asked for anyways."_

 

The thought of John leaving him turned Alex's whimpers into full fledged howling. He'd never sleep again. 

 

 Alex didn't hear John enter the kitchen until he stood next to him. 

 

"What the hell Alex?" John asked, switching on the light. "It's like 4:30. Why are you awake?"

 

Alex sobbed louder at the sound of his boyfriend's voice. He wondered if John would kick him out right this moment or at least have mercy and let him stay until morning. John noticed for the first time that Alex was crying. A little piece of his heart shattered, hearing the pain in his voice when he spoke. 

 

"I'm s-sorry J-J-John. I didn't m-mean to wake you up."

 

John put a gentle hand on his boyfriend's shoulder and felt him shaking. "Alexander, what's wrong baby? Why are you crying? Why are you awake?"

 

Alex broke down more at John's soothing voice. Why was John so cruel? Hadn't Alex suffered enough? Why was he acting so sweet when he was going to end their relationship and tear Alex's world apart.

 

"It's s-so path-th-thetic."

 

"What is sweetheart? Tell me what's wrong."

 

"I c-c-can't sleep with-without you." Alex wrapped his arms around his torso and sobbed louder. "It's been s-so long since I've slept al-alone and I-I can't do it anymore," he managed to stutter. 

 

John felt what little part of his heart that was whole shatter. Was Alex really in this much pain?  He mentally cursed the two of them for being so stubborn. John himself wanted to apologize, though he didn't do anything wrong. He wanted Alex back in his arms and back to normal. 

 

"Shh, shh." He pulled Alex to him and held him tightly. "Don't cry Alex. I hate it when you cry."

 

John held Alex until he calmed down and could talk without stuttering or bursting into tears. 

 

"Why are you being so nice to me? After all those terrible things I said to you."

 

Kissing the top of his head John spoke softly. "We got in a fight Alexander, that doesn't mean I stopped caring about you." 

 

Alex's heart broke a little more. _'I don't deserve you.'_

 

"God, I'm so sorry John. I didn't mean any of that. I had a hard day at work. I know that's not an excuse but I just want you to know that I regret everything and I wish I could take it all back. I love you so much. I never meant to hurt you." 

 

"I know Alex, but sometimes, you can be so careless. I was really looking forward to having the four of us together. The fact that you just forgot about it and threw me out of your mind like some afterthought stung." 

 

"No, no, no, no." Alex cupped John's jaw and ran his fingers over his cheekbones. "You're not an afterthought. I was swamped with work John, and I slipped up. I'm sorry I forgot about dinner. I wanted to spend time with Martha and David too. I'm so sorry."

 

John leaned into Alex's touch and let out a small sigh. "I know Alex. I know."

 

"You're never an afterthought to me John. You're always on my mind, all the time." Alex grabbed John's hand and entwined their fingers. "And John, I didn't mean any of those things I said. About you being a coward and only caring about your dad's money. That was a shitty thing for me to say  and I'm sorry I was such an asshole."

 

Voice cracking slightly John spoke, "It's ok."

 

"No it's not. I know I hurt you and I swear to every god in existance I'll make it up to you." 

 

Alex hurt him. But, John knew he didn't mean any of it and spoke out of anger. His fiery temper getting the best of him. Hamilton spoke before he thought. Said what his heart wanted to say before his brain had the chance to interfere. They stood like that for awhile. Their hands interlaced. John, with his other arm wrapped around Alex's shoulders broke the silence. 

 

"Alex, there's something still really bothering me." 

 

Hamilton pulled away and looked at John uneasily, bracing himself for the worst. "What is it?" 

 

John pulled back. Looking deep into Alex's eyes. "You know I'm not ashamed of you right? I haven't told my dad about us but that doesn't have anything to do with you. You know that?"

 

"I know John, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."

 

"Good. Because you are the most intelligent, passionate, loving, supportive, encouraging, brilliant boyfriend anybody could ask for. Alex, baby, you make me proud every single day. I'm so happy I can call you mine. I could never, in any universe, in any dimension, be ashamed of you? Okay?"

 

Alex nodded his head as he felt tears prick his eyes. They were good tears this time. Happy tears. "I love you John."

 

John pulled Alex towards him and kissed him slowly, longingly. Trying to make up for the past three days. His hand rested below Alex's ear, thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. Alex pulled John closer until there was no space between them. John's tounge pressed against Alex's lips and they parted, allowing him access. Alex moved his hand to John's hair, tugging at the taller man's curls. 

 

Pulling away slightly, "I love you too, Alex, so much. Never forget that," he breathed. 

 

"Mmm, kiss me again."

 

John's hands wrapped around Alex's waist and Alex's were locked around his neck pulling him down to kiss him again. When they broke apart for air, John rested his forehead against his boyfriend's.  

 

"Alex," he said, pressing a gentle kiss to his lover's cheek, "I could stay here and kiss you forever. But, you need to get up in a couple of hours and I'm exhausted. Let's go to bed."

 

Laurens led Hamilton back to their bedroom and pulled him down. He wrapped his strong arms around him and nuzzled his cheek. Pressing light kisses along his jaw. 

 

Hamilton grinned and turned around to face his amazing boyfriend. "I love you, John."

 

"I know."

 

"You're the best."

 

"Mmm, I know."

 

"What did I ever do to deserve you?"

 

"Good night Alexander."

 

"Good night my love."

 

Alex smiled and closed his eyes. Sleep finally washing over him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please leave a kudos and a comment. It would be greatly appreciated. Also, constructive critisism is valued!


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